A Critic's Guide To The Yuppie Pricks

Recently we came across another example of classic liberal media bias courtesy of the San Francisco Foghorn. San Francisco - home of the red-diaper doper baby... who'd have guessed they wouldn't get it?

But what's particularly brilliant about this gem of journalistic gerrymandering is that after spending three and half paragraphs praising our genius - mostly through plagarized quotes from our bio and existing press - they have a sudden attack of white, liberal guilt, and slam us in the final few sentences.

And we were getting along so well. Pity.

But since some people seem genuinely confused when presented with an album as intellectually challenging as Balls, please - allow us to simplify what is apparently an overly complex process for some of you:

Step 1 - Open The Friggin' CD.

We know this is a tough one for most of you so-called 'critics' - esp. with your dick in your hand. But if we can chop out a line on the dashboard of our M3 while doing 120 MPH with two fingers in a super-model's snatch and a bluetooth in both ears, then we think you should be able to open a little plastic case, take out the bright, shiny object inside, insert it into the appropriate slot, and press 'play'. Do we really have to draw you a diagram?

Step 2 - Listen To The CD.

Just a reminder for our good friends at Blender/Maxim (see previous post), as well as our gal-pals over at the 'Horn - it doesn't count as a 'review' if all you did was read the song titles on the back, regurgitate a few quotes from our publicist, and call it a day. Although we will give you credit for proving that you can actually read and write at a 6th grade level, and aren't just a high-gloss version of Highlights Magazine. Sometimes we have our doubts. Blender did just run a feature on the Pussycat Dolls talking about 'reincarnation'. FAIL.

Step 3 - Absorb The Message.

We understand that not everyone is blessed with the intellectual cajones to fully grasp our message - but we think we can dumb it down enough for even you. So here goes: We have wealth. And wealth is awesome. Therefore, through the transitive properties of wealth, we are awesome. This is why we make all your money, drive all your cars, and bang all your bitches. Simple.

Step 4 - Embrace The Lifestyle.

A lot of bands talk about being successful, but very few tell you how to actually BECOME successful. But we can't help those who don't want to help themselves. Go get a tattoo that says 'Prick4Life' - then maybe we can talk.

Step 5 - Don't Puss Out.

Sure, we've heard it all. From the 'novelty' band tag, to the DK's comparisons, to the simple refusal to acknowledge our status as the single greatest thing to ever happen to punk rock. But if you think you're ready to step up to the plate and levy some ACTUAL criticism, then prove it by doing something other than recycling the same tired, old rock critic cliches. We need a good laugh with our morning cup of joe. You know - the one your mom pours for us everyday? Someone's gotta' pay the bills while you're still living out of your parents' basement, holmes. Out.