Galveston wiped out by a hurricane? Who cares??? Let's talk about something REALLY important, such as Travis Barker and DJ AM's latest 'mash-up' admist the burning wreckage of what was formerly their private lear-jet. Now maybe you're saying to yourself, 'That's NOT hot, dude' - but we beg to differ. Did you hear what happened to the other four passengers? That's right - they're all dead. And we bet you don't even remember the first thing about them. Why? Because they're penniless, no-name, talentless hacks who couldn't get a photo op if they were on fire - which they were, literally. Meanwhile, two of American's biggest douchebags are kicking back in the finest burn unit money can buy, hooked up to a primo IV drip of morphine, and pissing themselves over all the sweet Florence Nightingale poonanny being shoved in their slightly toasted faces. Plus, they get to finally have all that plastic surgery they'd been planning for months done in one go. And lest we forget, a good plane crash never hurt anyone's record sales. Buddy Holly, Lynyrd Skynrd, Ozzy... the list goes on. Fly a plane into the side of a mountain, bus, whatever, and boom - instant multi-platinum status. Our advice - fire your travel agent. Then hire him as your new business manager - that guy's a GENIUS!!!
Monday, September 22, 2008
More Proof God Hates Poor People
Galveston wiped out by a hurricane? Who cares??? Let's talk about something REALLY important, such as Travis Barker and DJ AM's latest 'mash-up' admist the burning wreckage of what was formerly their private lear-jet. Now maybe you're saying to yourself, 'That's NOT hot, dude' - but we beg to differ. Did you hear what happened to the other four passengers? That's right - they're all dead. And we bet you don't even remember the first thing about them. Why? Because they're penniless, no-name, talentless hacks who couldn't get a photo op if they were on fire - which they were, literally. Meanwhile, two of American's biggest douchebags are kicking back in the finest burn unit money can buy, hooked up to a primo IV drip of morphine, and pissing themselves over all the sweet Florence Nightingale poonanny being shoved in their slightly toasted faces. Plus, they get to finally have all that plastic surgery they'd been planning for months done in one go. And lest we forget, a good plane crash never hurt anyone's record sales. Buddy Holly, Lynyrd Skynrd, Ozzy... the list goes on. Fly a plane into the side of a mountain, bus, whatever, and boom - instant multi-platinum status. Our advice - fire your travel agent. Then hire him as your new business manager - that guy's a GENIUS!!!
Sunday, September 14, 2008
For Once, Left Is Right
Looks like the liberal media is finally coming around to our way of thinking... check out our latest review courtesy of our slightly-less-misguided-than-we-thought-friends at Left Of The Dial Magazine:
Yuppie Pricks/Balls: Chicken Ranch - "Former clean cut, vest-wearing honchos from Alternative Tentacles, these Austin punk ramblers stab out an approach that is more like the Fleshies than their fellow citizens Complete Control, producing rambunctious hybrids like “G.O.P.” which actually sounds like Jello Biafra singing for the late period Buzzcocks (actually the tune hijacks the ‘Cocks’ “E.S.P.”). To keep things grounded in blatant localism and Texas fun punk pride, they also unhook a hell raising, big guitar swagger version of the Big Boy’s “Frat Cars,” just to expose their relished roots. “Male Models” strikes a match that burns like Southern California punk, sing-along slobbers and all, though it’s actually a butch version of the Undertones song (and not the Sleater Kinney song of the same name!). Their own swan song of pride and punctiliousness, “Loser,” unloads lines about guys pumping gas, empty pockets too big and blank to pay for cocaine, while the yuppies like the band fill the nation with a portfolio of white lies of proper world order. The irony drips like bacon fat, even flooding back into the song “Greed is Good,” which reads like a rampant and raging treatise by Adam Smith, cataloging how we should “squeeze every dollar from ever deal,” squeeze the hell outta lemons for lemonade, and avoid the wasted work of lunch time. “Prick4Life” could even make a fan of the Supersuckers bang their dirty hair across the floor in Budweiser bellows. Lastly, note how they really churn the machismo sex sauce and steal the swagger from the Black Crowes on the album cover. Get your Izod collars up and prepare the naked girl sushi, the time is ripe for raking in the fortune!"
Yuppie Pricks/Balls: Chicken Ranch - "Former clean cut, vest-wearing honchos from Alternative Tentacles, these Austin punk ramblers stab out an approach that is more like the Fleshies than their fellow citizens Complete Control, producing rambunctious hybrids like “G.O.P.” which actually sounds like Jello Biafra singing for the late period Buzzcocks (actually the tune hijacks the ‘Cocks’ “E.S.P.”). To keep things grounded in blatant localism and Texas fun punk pride, they also unhook a hell raising, big guitar swagger version of the Big Boy’s “Frat Cars,” just to expose their relished roots. “Male Models” strikes a match that burns like Southern California punk, sing-along slobbers and all, though it’s actually a butch version of the Undertones song (and not the Sleater Kinney song of the same name!). Their own swan song of pride and punctiliousness, “Loser,” unloads lines about guys pumping gas, empty pockets too big and blank to pay for cocaine, while the yuppies like the band fill the nation with a portfolio of white lies of proper world order. The irony drips like bacon fat, even flooding back into the song “Greed is Good,” which reads like a rampant and raging treatise by Adam Smith, cataloging how we should “squeeze every dollar from ever deal,” squeeze the hell outta lemons for lemonade, and avoid the wasted work of lunch time. “Prick4Life” could even make a fan of the Supersuckers bang their dirty hair across the floor in Budweiser bellows. Lastly, note how they really churn the machismo sex sauce and steal the swagger from the Black Crowes on the album cover. Get your Izod collars up and prepare the naked girl sushi, the time is ripe for raking in the fortune!"
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Thou Shalt Covet Thy Neighbor's Balls
From YuppiePunk.org:
Check out “Balls,” the new record from the Yuppie Pricks, which we’d be remiss not to link to since their name so close to ours. Great album cover too — an homage to the Black Crowes’ banned cover for “Amorica.”
Check out “Balls,” the new record from the Yuppie Pricks, which we’d be remiss not to link to since their name so close to ours. Great album cover too — an homage to the Black Crowes’ banned cover for “Amorica.”
Sunday, September 7, 2008
A Critic's Guide To The Yuppie Pricks
Recently we came across another example of classic liberal media bias courtesy of the San Francisco Foghorn. San Francisco - home of the red-diaper doper baby... who'd have guessed they wouldn't get it?
But what's particularly brilliant about this gem of journalistic gerrymandering is that after spending three and half paragraphs praising our genius - mostly through plagarized quotes from our bio and existing press - they have a sudden attack of white, liberal guilt, and slam us in the final few sentences.
And we were getting along so well. Pity.
But since some people seem genuinely confused when presented with an album as intellectually challenging as Balls, please - allow us to simplify what is apparently an overly complex process for some of you:
Step 1 - Open The Friggin' CD.
We know this is a tough one for most of you so-called 'critics' - esp. with your dick in your hand. But if we can chop out a line on the dashboard of our M3 while doing 120 MPH with two fingers in a super-model's snatch and a bluetooth in both ears, then we think you should be able to open a little plastic case, take out the bright, shiny object inside, insert it into the appropriate slot, and press 'play'. Do we really have to draw you a diagram?
Step 2 - Listen To The CD.
Just a reminder for our good friends at Blender/Maxim (see previous post), as well as our gal-pals over at the 'Horn - it doesn't count as a 'review' if all you did was read the song titles on the back, regurgitate a few quotes from our publicist, and call it a day. Although we will give you credit for proving that you can actually read and write at a 6th grade level, and aren't just a high-gloss version of Highlights Magazine. Sometimes we have our doubts. Blender did just run a feature on the Pussycat Dolls talking about 'reincarnation'. FAIL.
Step 3 - Absorb The Message.
We understand that not everyone is blessed with the intellectual cajones to fully grasp our message - but we think we can dumb it down enough for even you. So here goes: We have wealth. And wealth is awesome. Therefore, through the transitive properties of wealth, we are awesome. This is why we make all your money, drive all your cars, and bang all your bitches. Simple.
Step 4 - Embrace The Lifestyle.
A lot of bands talk about being successful, but very few tell you how to actually BECOME successful. But we can't help those who don't want to help themselves. Go get a tattoo that says 'Prick4Life' - then maybe we can talk.
Step 5 - Don't Puss Out.
Sure, we've heard it all. From the 'novelty' band tag, to the DK's comparisons, to the simple refusal to acknowledge our status as the single greatest thing to ever happen to punk rock. But if you think you're ready to step up to the plate and levy some ACTUAL criticism, then prove it by doing something other than recycling the same tired, old rock critic cliches. We need a good laugh with our morning cup of joe. You know - the one your mom pours for us everyday? Someone's gotta' pay the bills while you're still living out of your parents' basement, holmes. Out.
But what's particularly brilliant about this gem of journalistic gerrymandering is that after spending three and half paragraphs praising our genius - mostly through plagarized quotes from our bio and existing press - they have a sudden attack of white, liberal guilt, and slam us in the final few sentences.
And we were getting along so well. Pity.
But since some people seem genuinely confused when presented with an album as intellectually challenging as Balls, please - allow us to simplify what is apparently an overly complex process for some of you:
Step 1 - Open The Friggin' CD.
We know this is a tough one for most of you so-called 'critics' - esp. with your dick in your hand. But if we can chop out a line on the dashboard of our M3 while doing 120 MPH with two fingers in a super-model's snatch and a bluetooth in both ears, then we think you should be able to open a little plastic case, take out the bright, shiny object inside, insert it into the appropriate slot, and press 'play'. Do we really have to draw you a diagram?
Step 2 - Listen To The CD.
Just a reminder for our good friends at Blender/Maxim (see previous post), as well as our gal-pals over at the 'Horn - it doesn't count as a 'review' if all you did was read the song titles on the back, regurgitate a few quotes from our publicist, and call it a day. Although we will give you credit for proving that you can actually read and write at a 6th grade level, and aren't just a high-gloss version of Highlights Magazine. Sometimes we have our doubts. Blender did just run a feature on the Pussycat Dolls talking about 'reincarnation'. FAIL.
Step 3 - Absorb The Message.
We understand that not everyone is blessed with the intellectual cajones to fully grasp our message - but we think we can dumb it down enough for even you. So here goes: We have wealth. And wealth is awesome. Therefore, through the transitive properties of wealth, we are awesome. This is why we make all your money, drive all your cars, and bang all your bitches. Simple.
Step 4 - Embrace The Lifestyle.
A lot of bands talk about being successful, but very few tell you how to actually BECOME successful. But we can't help those who don't want to help themselves. Go get a tattoo that says 'Prick4Life' - then maybe we can talk.
Step 5 - Don't Puss Out.
Sure, we've heard it all. From the 'novelty' band tag, to the DK's comparisons, to the simple refusal to acknowledge our status as the single greatest thing to ever happen to punk rock. But if you think you're ready to step up to the plate and levy some ACTUAL criticism, then prove it by doing something other than recycling the same tired, old rock critic cliches. We need a good laugh with our morning cup of joe. You know - the one your mom pours for us everyday? Someone's gotta' pay the bills while you're still living out of your parents' basement, holmes. Out.
Apology Accepted
Recent word came in at Yuppie Pricks H.Q. that this month's Blender Magazine - which features perrenial Sunset Stripper skanks The Pussycat Dolls on the cover - gives the Pricks their props with a picture of Balls along with the accompanying headline 'CD we didn't even crack open'.
No offense guys - but your journalistic 'integrity' makes Jason Blair and James Frey look like Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein.
Memo to Blender: "P.U.S.S.Why"?
But in all seriousness - kudos to Blender for at least manning-up and admitting they didn't open the CD. Unlike their recent gaff over at sister magazine, Maxim involving the Black Crowes, they at least owned up to the fact that they're either illiterate, lazy, or just plain retarded.
Maybe the Pussycat Dolls can show you how to operate a CD player next time, guys. 'Til then, apology accepted.
No offense guys - but your journalistic 'integrity' makes Jason Blair and James Frey look like Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein.
Memo to Blender: "P.U.S.S.Why"?
But in all seriousness - kudos to Blender for at least manning-up and admitting they didn't open the CD. Unlike their recent gaff over at sister magazine, Maxim involving the Black Crowes, they at least owned up to the fact that they're either illiterate, lazy, or just plain retarded.
Maybe the Pussycat Dolls can show you how to operate a CD player next time, guys. 'Til then, apology accepted.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Exiles On Wall Street
PartyEnds - Balls To The RNC
"In honor of the RNC ending last night, let’s listen to the Yuppie Pricks. Can someone please get these guys on The Colbert Report as the house band for a week?! Please? I think the heroes of America would really enjoy the astounding satire, and hell, even the huge crotch shot on the cover of their new album Balls.
If enough people buy this record, Sarah Palin will drop out of the vice presidential race and be replaced by Jeb Bush who will then take office after McCain dies giving the country another 4 years with a Bush in office. Nothing would make the Yuppie Pricks happier. Get your polo collars up, start buying low and selling high with these starter tracks. Once you are hooked, pick up Balls on Austin imprint Chicken Ranch Records."
Radio Exile - Yuppie Pricks Kick Ass
"I can’t be sure if I am supposed to take the following seriously, so I will put it out there for you all to decide instead. These guys rock pretty hard, so we wanted to posted the tasty tunes that accompanied what turned out to be the first ever “double you tee eff” moment this week!
Oh man, this is sorta sweet, but this is coming from the guy who thought Quit Your Dayjob were pretty rad. In hindsight, what I said there was right, however, I am prone to random moments of “badger the wife with silly song lyrics,” so this sort of works, you know?"
"In honor of the RNC ending last night, let’s listen to the Yuppie Pricks. Can someone please get these guys on The Colbert Report as the house band for a week?! Please? I think the heroes of America would really enjoy the astounding satire, and hell, even the huge crotch shot on the cover of their new album Balls.
If enough people buy this record, Sarah Palin will drop out of the vice presidential race and be replaced by Jeb Bush who will then take office after McCain dies giving the country another 4 years with a Bush in office. Nothing would make the Yuppie Pricks happier. Get your polo collars up, start buying low and selling high with these starter tracks. Once you are hooked, pick up Balls on Austin imprint Chicken Ranch Records."
Radio Exile - Yuppie Pricks Kick Ass
"I can’t be sure if I am supposed to take the following seriously, so I will put it out there for you all to decide instead. These guys rock pretty hard, so we wanted to posted the tasty tunes that accompanied what turned out to be the first ever “double you tee eff” moment this week!
Oh man, this is sorta sweet, but this is coming from the guy who thought Quit Your Dayjob were pretty rad. In hindsight, what I said there was right, however, I am prone to random moments of “badger the wife with silly song lyrics,” so this sort of works, you know?"
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Ooops, We Did It Again
The Devil Has The Best Tuna
"You may think that punk rock is the music of the poor, the music of the dispossessed angry at their exclusion from the fruits of rampant global capitalism. Well here are the superbly monickered Yuppie Pricks to negate everything you ever thought about punk.
They claim to have parents in the upper tax bracket, have songs called 'Greed Is Good', 'F**k You, I'm Rich' and 'Frat Cars' and the band allegedly includes a multimillionaire stockbroker who lists among his hobbies “hunting endangered species”, a pharmaceutical business magnate and a third-generation divorce lawyer. I'm not sure how much of this is real and how much is mere media myth making but they certainly make a punked up racket laced with enough humour to make a US customs officer laugh.
Their last album was released on Jello Biafra's Alternative Tentacles album and unsurprisingly they're a unique blend of The Dead Kennedys punk rock fury and Harry Enfield's satire on late 80's greedy young nouveau riche Loadsamoney.
Punk's not dead it's just been away misappropriating pension funds and now it's back to scare the butler."
"You may think that punk rock is the music of the poor, the music of the dispossessed angry at their exclusion from the fruits of rampant global capitalism. Well here are the superbly monickered Yuppie Pricks to negate everything you ever thought about punk.
They claim to have parents in the upper tax bracket, have songs called 'Greed Is Good', 'F**k You, I'm Rich' and 'Frat Cars' and the band allegedly includes a multimillionaire stockbroker who lists among his hobbies “hunting endangered species”, a pharmaceutical business magnate and a third-generation divorce lawyer. I'm not sure how much of this is real and how much is mere media myth making but they certainly make a punked up racket laced with enough humour to make a US customs officer laugh.
Their last album was released on Jello Biafra's Alternative Tentacles album and unsurprisingly they're a unique blend of The Dead Kennedys punk rock fury and Harry Enfield's satire on late 80's greedy young nouveau riche Loadsamoney.
Punk's not dead it's just been away misappropriating pension funds and now it's back to scare the butler."
Things We Like About McCain's VP Pick
We won't get into how we're voting in '08, other than to say the answer my friend, is 'blowing' on the hood of our Benz. Sniff, sniff.
But that said, McCain's latest 'stroke' of 'genius' in picking self-proclaimed 'hockey mom' and former beauty pagent runner-up, Sarah Palin does have a lot of potential upside. Don't strain yourself - we'll explain.
1) Pro-Rape Platform.
Palin supports banning all abortions - even in instances of rape and incest. Now maybe this isn't a problem in Alaska, where I'm sure there's fewer sexual predators on the loose than handicap-accessible toilets, but for us, we're just thrilled to see someone who finally recognizes that the spermatazoa of a soon-to-be-convicted felon ranks higher than the rights of the rape victim in the eyes of the law. And with no rape-related abortions, pretty soon we'll have a bunch of little inbred, rapist-offspring running around, leading to higher crime rates, and more Republican landslide victories in November! Brilliant.
2) Higher Teenage Pregnancy Rates.
Along with Palin's evangelical, pro-life, abstinence-oriented stance on reproductive issues, we can look forward to a lot more unwanted white babies being put up for adoption - and just in the nick of time. Let's face it - there's simply not enough to go around as it is, and with Brangelina and TomKat snapping up all the cute little third-world kiddies, something's got to give. It's simple supply and demand, holmes.
3) Northern Exposure.
Man, that TV show rocked. Maggie was hot. And this Palin chick was the mayor of a town just like the one in the show. TV, good. Change, bad.
4) Invading Canada.
Now that our VP-to-be's foreign policy credentials hinge on Alaska's precarious geo-political positioning between Russia and Canada, we can all look forward to finally KICKING A LITTLE CANADIAN ASS. My guess is a routine border crossing will go 'awry', thanks to the Mounties inability to correctly pronounce 'ou'. Hope you don't mind a little blood in your maple syrup, America - it could get messy up there once we start dropping bombs.
5) March of the Hill-o-crats.
Of course, we all know McCain's real goal in picking Palin as his VP - stealing votes from the Dems via the defection of disgruntled Hillary-supporters to the RNC. See, McCain figures they'll chase anything with a skirt - and he's right. Nothing like the dangling carrot of female empowerment to get the ol' nags moving your way.
You've come a long way, baby!
But that said, McCain's latest 'stroke' of 'genius' in picking self-proclaimed 'hockey mom' and former beauty pagent runner-up, Sarah Palin does have a lot of potential upside. Don't strain yourself - we'll explain.
1) Pro-Rape Platform.
Palin supports banning all abortions - even in instances of rape and incest. Now maybe this isn't a problem in Alaska, where I'm sure there's fewer sexual predators on the loose than handicap-accessible toilets, but for us, we're just thrilled to see someone who finally recognizes that the spermatazoa of a soon-to-be-convicted felon ranks higher than the rights of the rape victim in the eyes of the law. And with no rape-related abortions, pretty soon we'll have a bunch of little inbred, rapist-offspring running around, leading to higher crime rates, and more Republican landslide victories in November! Brilliant.
2) Higher Teenage Pregnancy Rates.
Along with Palin's evangelical, pro-life, abstinence-oriented stance on reproductive issues, we can look forward to a lot more unwanted white babies being put up for adoption - and just in the nick of time. Let's face it - there's simply not enough to go around as it is, and with Brangelina and TomKat snapping up all the cute little third-world kiddies, something's got to give. It's simple supply and demand, holmes.
3) Northern Exposure.
Man, that TV show rocked. Maggie was hot. And this Palin chick was the mayor of a town just like the one in the show. TV, good. Change, bad.
4) Invading Canada.
Now that our VP-to-be's foreign policy credentials hinge on Alaska's precarious geo-political positioning between Russia and Canada, we can all look forward to finally KICKING A LITTLE CANADIAN ASS. My guess is a routine border crossing will go 'awry', thanks to the Mounties inability to correctly pronounce 'ou'. Hope you don't mind a little blood in your maple syrup, America - it could get messy up there once we start dropping bombs.
5) March of the Hill-o-crats.
Of course, we all know McCain's real goal in picking Palin as his VP - stealing votes from the Dems via the defection of disgruntled Hillary-supporters to the RNC. See, McCain figures they'll chase anything with a skirt - and he's right. Nothing like the dangling carrot of female empowerment to get the ol' nags moving your way.
You've come a long way, baby!
Norway - 1, Denmark - 0
We don't like to take sides - but Norway kicks Denmark's ass.
First off, Norway is HUGE compared to Denmark. Grow a penninsula, Denmark.
Second, Norway has fjords - and fjords are cool. What's Denmark got? A friggin' pastry? What is this - Dunkin Donuts????
Third, the 'weige flag is red, white AND blue - not just red and white. Get with the program Denmark - you're not the Red Cross. Show a little pride.
Oh, and who can forget the Muhammad cartoon controversy? Thanks, Denmark. Warn us the next time you decide to put your 'Bad Idea' jeans on, and set off the worst international crisis in your history since WWII.
And did we metion Norway has the second highest per capital GDP in the world? Meanwhile, Denmark ranked as the second 'most peaceful' country after Iceland, according to the Global Peace Index. G.A.Y.
Oh yeah - and the Pricks are on Norway's state-sponsored NRK radio.
Props to us. Denmark, you just don't get it.
First off, Norway is HUGE compared to Denmark. Grow a penninsula, Denmark.
Second, Norway has fjords - and fjords are cool. What's Denmark got? A friggin' pastry? What is this - Dunkin Donuts????
Third, the 'weige flag is red, white AND blue - not just red and white. Get with the program Denmark - you're not the Red Cross. Show a little pride.
Oh, and who can forget the Muhammad cartoon controversy? Thanks, Denmark. Warn us the next time you decide to put your 'Bad Idea' jeans on, and set off the worst international crisis in your history since WWII.
And did we metion Norway has the second highest per capital GDP in the world? Meanwhile, Denmark ranked as the second 'most peaceful' country after Iceland, according to the Global Peace Index. G.A.Y.
Oh yeah - and the Pricks are on Norway's state-sponsored NRK radio.
Props to us. Denmark, you just don't get it.
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