Hi there, Country Music - Why So Gay?

Don't get us wrong - we love the gays. Not literally of course - but if Johnny McGovern made his own mayonnaise, we'd probably still buy it. Gay culture is everywhere - so why not gay it up with the gastronomy while you're it? Plus, the girls need something to rub on each other to soothe that third-degree deck-burn after spending all day out on our yacht - and they're for damn sure not using our Black Sea caviar. We may be rich - but we don't waste grade-A fish eggs on grade-B burnt beaver.

But nothing's quite as fascinating as the homo-erotic undercurrent that seems to run through virtually everything that comes out of Nashville these days.

Take for example Garth Brooks - before he took to looking like Kevin Costner on donuts, he wasn't a bad-looking guy, in a 'Midnight Cowboy' sort of male-hustler way. Perhaps you've heard the Pansy Divison song, 'Cowboys Are Secretly Frequently Fond of Each Other'? Yeah, our point exactly.

Then there's the strange case of Keith Urban. On the one hand, he has all the hallmarks of the traditional alt-rock douche - bacon-strip facial hair motif, Hollywood actress wife, stint in rehab... but a country music sensation from the land of Crocodile Dundee? Clearly, something doesn't add up here. You do the math: Keith Urban + (Nicole Kidman - Tom Cruise) = one serious country and western closet-case.

But perhaps the biggest display of country's La Cage aux Folles tendencies comes to us in the form of the televised talent-show abortion, Nashville Star. Never has a bigger or better collection of downhome amateur drag kings and queens pranced about the stage under the guise of all-American 'straight' culture.

Pure flaming, over-the-top genius.

That said, our all-time favorite farm-hand-turned-dandy fop still has to be the one, the only - Toby Keith. From his ridiculously butch public persona, to his verbal bitch-slapping of those grammy-winning trannys in the Dixie Chicks, TK is either so patriotic he pisses red, white and blue - or he's over-compensating for some not-so latent likes and dislikes. By which we mean, he likes other dude's junk in his trunk. Nice leather wristband, bro.